why women make bad drivers

Saturday, May 12, 2007

I was originally going to write a post on Why We Should Decriminalise Homosexuality And Instead Impose Life Sentences For Bigotry Because Surely It's More Dangerous To Let Low-IQ Idiots Run Around Masquerading As Assistant NUS Professors - but the title got too long.

Anyway, after spending a week with a car, this is my list. I know not all women are bad drivers (although I have yet to meet a good female driver) and that several men are also bad drivers (I've met several of those), but this is just in general. Don't get particular on my ass or I will ram you down with my car.

1. They get emotional about driving

See immediately preceding statement.

I must admit this is not true about all female drivers. But I seldom get as incensed about idiocy as I do when I'm on the road (or checking work email). Most people who've been passengers in my car have heard the standard "FUCKING moron keep to your own FUCKING lane you MOTHERFUCKER". They generally politely ignore me and remain good friends. I appreciate that.

2. Their attention wanders

Driving downtown for my facial on Tuesday, I started thinking about what I should have for dinner that night, and whether I could be bothered to cook the ginseng chicken soup that my sister gave me the recipe for, in which case I would have to go buy some chicken, and what would be better, chicken legs or chicken wings, and where could I buy chicken that wouldn't involve heavy traffic and expensive parking, and was it on the way home from the CBD or would I have to make a huge detour, and how hungry would I be by that time, and maybe trying to get to a supermarket by 6.30pm was too ambitious, so perhaps I should just go out and buy dinner after all...

And before I knew it I was in a CTE tunnel and couldn't for the life of me recall whether the next exit was Orchard or Havelock Rd. Of course it was Havelock, so I had to cross 4 lanes in about 4 seconds. Bad driver.

3. They make split second decisions but don't have the balls to carry them out

COUNTLESS EXAMPLES. None of them involve me. I make split second decisions and heaven help whoever is behind me and in the lane immediately to my left. But several times my contented cruising has been ruined by idiot drivers who make sudden swerves into my lane, THEN turn on the signal, THEN decide they can't possibly change lane ahead of me after all (usually because I've sped up by this point). And EVERY SINGLE TIME I drive past these drivers, I turn around to glare at them - and they are invariably women. Bad drivers.

4. They turn to glare at other drivers

Self-explanatory. ALL bad drivers.

5. They put on makeup in the car

Having aircon blast full into your face has a drying effect. For your lips especially. About 1.5 minutes after I pull out of my driveway my lips start drying up and I take one hand off the wheel to rummage in my bag for lip balm.

Cluttered female bags + small-sized lip balms + one-hand driving + inherent genetic psychomotor inferiority = Bad Driver.

* * * * * *

I can't believe my week of freedom is over. *mournful*

posted by zyn :: 2:26 AM :: 0 Comments :: permalink