proximity friendships and other random thoughts

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

While idling in a taxi the other day I read something in Cleo that gave me pause for thought (wait hear me out before you close the window in disgust).

The article was about proximity friendships - friendships you form with people who are in the same place at the same time going through the same experiences as you are. Proximity friendships are founded on some form of mutual attraction, of course, but they usually have the limited lifespan of that particular phase in life you're going through.

Almost all my friendships in life have been proximity friendships. It's inevitable in the early years of your life because you shuttle between school and home with little exposure to people in the outside world, so naturally you only become friends with people you see every day. It's when you enter into new phases of life and situations change that these friendships are challenged and the proximity ones fall by the wayside (rereading this sentence gives me goosebumps but I'm too tired to change it).

My best friend in Harvard, for instance. She was someone I completely clicked with, and we were inseparable in the time I was there. I did almost everything with her and we never had enough time to talk about everything we wanted to. I never had to explain anything twice; I often didn't even have to finish my sentences. And this was at the ripe old age of 23, when I thought I already had all the friends I was ever going to need. But although I liked her immensely and had a lot of respect and affection for her and knew her so well that I could have picked out house fittings, a library, and a wardrobe for her, I don't think I really cared about her very much. Once I left Harvard I missed her a lot, but it subsided rather quickly and we lost all touch until recently when she emailed me out of the blue. And after a few long and very detailed emails about our lives, the correspondence stopped just as abruptly as it had started.

I think I only made non-proximity friends in secondary school, friends I can call up at any time no matter where in the world I am to talk about my problems and hear about theirs. Friends I know genuinely care about me and friends for whom I would do almost anything. My friendships in primary school, my... well, let's call them alliances... in JC, and even most of my friendships in college - they've had neither durability nor resilience.

I guess you can only know whether a friendship is based mainly on proximity when that proximity disappears. But there are indications, of course: if you often feel bored or disdainful with a friend; if conversations revolve around present-day activities and feelings and other proximity friends; if you're away for some time and find you don't miss that person very much. I'm not saying proximity friends are worthless, but things change so quickly nowadays that I'm glad I've learned to identify my all-occasion, all-situation friendships so I can invest more in those and hopefully convert some current proximity friendships into longer-lasting ones.

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Is it possible to feel more lonely in a relationship than in singlehood? That never crossed my mind until it was mentioned tonight but I suppose I can imagine a situation like that. A proximity relationship, for instance. (Ah ha - see how I made that clever link there? :)) Being single - it's not as bad as smug marrieds make it out to be.

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"This is where we differ and since we can't agree on that we're not going to settle this so let's just leave it."

Not at all a satisfactory conclusion to any kind of discussion but I was surprised to find myself impressed by the maturity and foresight involved in this demonstration of an ability to let things go and a respect of the other person's opinion. It's so much better than either flogging a dead horse or pretending to agree to something to avoid conflict. I shall end all arguments thus henceforth.

 posted by zyn :: 1:55 AM :: 6 Comments :: permalink


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