in line with my resolution to blog more

Thursday, September 28, 2006

I've updated the links and added my recent discovery of a seemingly suicidal ST journalist-scholar who has started a blog. Cliff thinks he/she is fake; I don't really know what to think.

I set aside my McEwan tonight to finally log on to WoW after what must be more than a month, only to be thwarted by a ridiculous lag (5,000 ms latency = can't even see your body after you rez). So I spent the night buying gear and training up my axe skills - and rereading old blogs.

I currently have three other, old blogs still online, no longer active but still readable; each chronicles a very short, intense period in my life. The nauseatingly pink livejournal breakup one is the only one of the three - come to think of it, all three are on different blog hosts - that I made public, and rereading it again makes me cringe at the writing, which is far and away the worst of the lot. It suffers a conspicuous lack of the profligate poetry that can only be inspired by infatuation and that permeates the other two blogs (not always to good effect). I worry, sometimes, that doing what I do will eventually and permanently limit my vocabulary to words with fewer than four syllables. That would be an awful tragedy. You know, like, really bad. See! It's already happening!

Anyway I guess all I want to say tonight is that time really heals all wounds. Often, however, you still have to live with the scars. Sometimes I wish I could be as candid as c7676 or rambotan about hidden feelings and baffled hope, but the truth is, whenever I look back on the biggest breakup I ever had, I can't muster up any genuine emotion anymore. I'm not sure if that's the product of months of grim conditioning, or the happy result of recent distractions, or proof that the relationship really didn't mean that much after all. But now that the scab has become a scar that I'm not even tempted to pick at, I find my thoughts occasionally wandering in the direction of philosophical hindsight. Did I really feel that strongly, back then, for this stranger whose name, even, is now an unfamiliar weight in my memory? Surely I must have, or did I imagine, too, the pain and anguish of the betrayal that followed?

Perhaps time doesn't heal as much as confuse us with its arbitrary lengths. Ah well, if you can't figure it out, ignore it, I say. In any case there are always more shiny sparkly things that urgently demand one's attention, such as lunch at Lawry's tomorrow. Yummy yummy yummy in my (rapidly expanding) tummy.

 posted by zyn :: 2:03 AM :: 6 Comments :: permalink


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