Harry Potter and the Ridiculous Theories
Wednesday, December 27, 2006 |
One of my most interesting dates ever was with a guy even more into Harry Potter than I was (and that's saying something). We spent seven hours and six beers on character analysis and plot development, and by the end of it I was completely enamoured.
Of course that turned out to be largely due to the beers.
But I was reminded of it again today when I came across this amazing site featuring theories of what will happen in Book Seven. With nothing better to do with my time, I read all the theories. And came up with a few of my own. (The main characters are all very boring, so I'm focusing on the extras.)
1. Draco Malfoy
Will survive, turn spy for the Order under the guidance of Snape, and become Harry Potter's secret gay lover. They will proceed to use the combined Malfoy/Potter fortunes to become Minister of Magic and Head Auror respectively, set up the Armani Wizarding Collection, and convert Hogsmeade into the gay clubbing centre of the magical world
2. Severus Snape
Will survive, turn out to be a good guy and the world's foremost Potions Master, and become Remus Lupin's secret gay lover so that Remus can have a lifetime supply of Wolfsbane
3. Remus Lupin
Will die because he's Harry Potter's mentor and they have a knack of perishing. Will be killed defending Snape from Fenrir Greyback, leaving Alan Rickman - I mean, Snape - to smolder in his thwarted love and general bitterness in the Hogwarts dungeons forever
4. Hagrid
Will die for the same reason as Remus (the mentor thing, not the Snape thing, ewww)
5. Neville Longbottom
Will kill Bellatrix Lestrange using a little-known lethal poison brewed from herbs in partnership with Snape and then go on to marry Luna Lovegood and become Professor of Herbology at Hogwarts
6. Pansy Parkinson
Will follow Draco Malfoy in his defection to the Side of Light and seduce Ron Weasley
7. Vincent Crabbe and Gregory Goyle
One will sacrifice himself to save Draco Malfoy from Voldemort's wrath (thereby convincing Draco to change sides), the other will continue to be his faithful minion and become chief bouncer at Hogsmeade's biggest club
8. Ollivander
Will turn out to be Voldemort's brother, thus explaining why he sold Harry the wand that is the twin of Voldemort's (this is after someone pointed out that "Ollivander" is an anagram for "An Evil Lord"!). Will pay for his evilness by dying in the Final Battle
9. Regulus Black
Will be discovered to be secret spy still alive and will become Harry Potter's new godfather as all his parent figures are now dead
10. Ginny Weasley
Will die, because she annoys me
posted by zyn ::
9:26 PM ::
1 Comments ::
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