Waiting (not by Ha Jin)

Monday, January 30, 2006

posted by zyn :: 7:14 PM :: 4 Comments :: permalink

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proximity friendships and other random thoughts

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

While idling in a taxi the other day I read something in Cleo that gave me pause for thought (wait hear me out before you close the window in disgust).

The article was about proximity friendships - friendships you form with people who are in the same place at the same time going through the same experiences as you are. Proximity friendships are founded on some form of mutual attraction, of course, but they usually have the limited lifespan of that particular phase in life you're going through.

Almost all my friendships in life have been proximity friendships. It's inevitable in the early years of your life because you shuttle between school and home with little exposure to people in the outside world, so naturally you only become friends with people you see every day. It's when you enter into new phases of life and situations change that these friendships are challenged and the proximity ones fall by the wayside (rereading this sentence gives me goosebumps but I'm too tired to change it).

My best friend in Harvard, for instance. She was someone I completely clicked with, and we were inseparable in the time I was there. I did almost everything with her and we never had enough time to talk about everything we wanted to. I never had to explain anything twice; I often didn't even have to finish my sentences. And this was at the ripe old age of 23, when I thought I already had all the friends I was ever going to need. But although I liked her immensely and had a lot of respect and affection for her and knew her so well that I could have picked out house fittings, a library, and a wardrobe for her, I don't think I really cared about her very much. Once I left Harvard I missed her a lot, but it subsided rather quickly and we lost all touch until recently when she emailed me out of the blue. And after a few long and very detailed emails about our lives, the correspondence stopped just as abruptly as it had started.

I think I only made non-proximity friends in secondary school, friends I can call up at any time no matter where in the world I am to talk about my problems and hear about theirs. Friends I know genuinely care about me and friends for whom I would do almost anything. My friendships in primary school, my... well, let's call them alliances... in JC, and even most of my friendships in college - they've had neither durability nor resilience.

I guess you can only know whether a friendship is based mainly on proximity when that proximity disappears. But there are indications, of course: if you often feel bored or disdainful with a friend; if conversations revolve around present-day activities and feelings and other proximity friends; if you're away for some time and find you don't miss that person very much. I'm not saying proximity friends are worthless, but things change so quickly nowadays that I'm glad I've learned to identify my all-occasion, all-situation friendships so I can invest more in those and hopefully convert some current proximity friendships into longer-lasting ones.

* * * * * *

Is it possible to feel more lonely in a relationship than in singlehood? That never crossed my mind until it was mentioned tonight but I suppose I can imagine a situation like that. A proximity relationship, for instance. (Ah ha - see how I made that clever link there? :)) Being single - it's not as bad as smug marrieds make it out to be.

* * * * * *

"This is where we differ and since we can't agree on that we're not going to settle this so let's just leave it."

Not at all a satisfactory conclusion to any kind of discussion but I was surprised to find myself impressed by the maturity and foresight involved in this demonstration of an ability to let things go and a respect of the other person's opinion. It's so much better than either flogging a dead horse or pretending to agree to something to avoid conflict. I shall end all arguments thus henceforth.

posted by zyn :: 1:55 AM :: 6 Comments :: permalink

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Can Die Lor

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

It's 4 am and I should be asleep but I've been such an idiot that I have to blog about it or I'll go crazy. So I grouped to do this quest that was really hard and we finished it in like 10 seconds and it would have given me almost 4000 xp but in a fit of clean-out-bag madness I accidentally destroyed the thing I was supposed to hand in to complete my quest! AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! I can't believe this moron is me!!! Fortunately it didn't keep me from levelling up but now I have to do it all over again!!! Cos it's not only xp rewards but I also get this really good hat and I don't have headgear now and my head is cold. At least I assume it is, cos where I am now is Duskwood, which is always dark and windy. AHHHHHHHHHH!!!! And no one's online now AT ALL in Duskwood so I can't even do the quest again, I tried soloing twice already and died horrible deaths both times. And tomorrow is Tuesday so I can't do it then either!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

I have so much more to say on WoW because I get all these epiphanies about life while I'm playing but now I really have to go to sleep or the mobs at work will turn hostile tomorrow.

posted by zyn :: 3:58 AM :: 0 Comments :: permalink

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Shaking The Blossoms Of His Horie Hair

Monday, January 23, 2006

When you have a lot of work to do in a very short time, you tend to finish it very quickly. Which is why I'm blogging. (I realise I only blog at work while waiting for my stories to clear because once I'm out of the office my real life begins; I don't even check email or anything, which is why I'm very behind in email replies and I'm really sorry I suck so bad at correspondence. I'm also really sorry I'm so parenthesis-reliant.)

Anyway Japan is fascinating! I should've taken Japanese instead of bloody French, which sounds smooth but is otherwise bloody useless. The Livedoor scandal, for instance - it's so Big-Brother-meets-Last-Samurai. You can just imagine these powerful old men sitting snug in the mafia-secret world of tradition-steeped corporate Japan smoking their opium pipes (oops that's China; cigars? no that's Mexico) and reading about this young Horie upstart guy breaking all the rules and living it up in plebeian nouveau-riche style. They raise an eyebrow, curl a lip, lift a little finger - and immediately massive police raids are carried out in the Livedoor stronghold and a mysterious businessman locks himself in a hotel room and commits hara-kiri.

This is going to make such a better movie (of course it will be a movie) than Memoirs of a Geisha, which was lurid and pedestrian and only saved by Gong Li, who somehow manages to be smouldering and icy at the same time.

Did Horie actually do anything wrong? Who knows. His blog says no, not that I can read it anyway. Which brings me back to my original point, that I should have taken Japanese. Where to learn ah?

posted by zyn :: 7:57 PM :: 0 Comments :: permalink

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q&a session

Thursday, January 19, 2006

My question of the day:

If irrationality is what makes us human, how is God any better than the rest of us? I mean, what's with the whale?


My boss' question of the day:

do u think carrying a dopod makes u a dodo?

(Me: yah. O2 better. dopod sounds like a moronic dinosaur.

Him: actually it sounds kinda cute, like a round, slow-moving cartoony animal.)


J's question of the day:

J: smoke break?

Me: ok in 3.02 min

J: 1.57

Me: 2.38 final answer

J: haha ok


i like conversations. even if they're inane. especially if they're inane.

posted by zyn :: 4:46 PM :: 7 Comments :: permalink

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work and woe

Wednesday, January 18, 2006

Am I a nerd to feel excited about my work? When the results of the event I was following today came in just now, I jumped up and down at my desk a little bit. Not because it was good news or anything but because it was quite unexpected and definitely something in which (certain, very specific) people would be interested. I am a nerd.

I don't even know if I'm good at my job. I think I'm okay. Passable enough not to be singled out for criticism but not spectacular. And I realise now that I'm actually rather used to being good at things; sometimes at my job I feel completely in over my head and out of my depth and these are extremely alien sentiments. It doesn't help that I work with people who are very good at what they do and who know so much and I wonder if the day will ever come when I can speak so confidently and insightfully about my beat. There's not a single person at my desk (okay, maybe there's one) about whom I've never thought, man, I wish I was more like him/her. I really should work harder.

* * * * * *

Today I got an email out of the blue from someone I met only once and don't know very well. But it got me thinking about my old blog, the pink one I set up to chronicle my post-breakup neuroses. So I've decided to make most of my previously private entries public in an (extremely self-elevating) attempt to help anyone else who might be going through a breakup and need to know how other people survived it. I deleted the too-personal bits and what's left could have been written by anyone who's ever been dumped and refer to anyone who's ever dumped someone, which is kind of the whole point.

And remember hor, that when I wrote all that stuff my breakup was the worst thing that had ever happened to me in a sheltered 20+yr life that had known nothing but love and happiness. That shouldn't in any way discredit or undermine the very acute feelings I described but, if you're reading for the first time, do put it all into perspective.

(It seems like such a long time since all that happened but actually it's been less than three months. Rereading my old entries made me remember the devastation but rather than reliving the pain I'm only reliving a memory of the pain, if that makes any sense. And over time I'll relive even that reminiscence and so on, and that's the secret to the healing power of time - innate forgetfulness.)

To G: hope it helps to know that you're not alone. Keep your chin up. :)

posted by zyn :: 8:03 PM :: 5 Comments :: permalink

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All's Fair In Love And Warcraft

Monday, January 16, 2006

Sorry for the previous post and thanks for the concern. You will all be pleased to know that masochistic self-pitying Zyn has been crit for 1197 (more than her current max health of 1068) and practical drama-abhorring Zyn is back in place. It remains to be seen whether MSP Zyn will rez and level up and take revenge but right now it seems rather unlikely.

Normal posts will resume once I've found my feet. (Oh, there they are under the desk.)

posted by zyn :: 6:46 PM :: 4 Comments :: permalink

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words for the weak

Sunday, January 15, 2006

i'm a fucking stupid idiot and i never learn and i deserve it all because i'm a fucking stupid idiot who never learns. hope is for fools, poor, silly fool, but take pity because i never dreamed i'd have to pay so dearly for one lapse in judgement. neck-deep in negative equity and living off loans and charity and no choice but to declare bankruptcy and move to the bahamas and start all over again.

posted by zyn :: 1:20 AM :: 4 Comments :: permalink

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Early Morning Conversation

Saturday, January 14, 2006

(to explain the ramblyness)

Why are so many people convinced that experience is the only fount of knowledge and that if you haven't gone through certain things you will never know yourself? I think that's bullshit. It means that you can't ever commit to a decision and you can never make a declarative statement because you can't possibly experience everything that you're ever going to experience in the world until you're on the verge of death. I can say now, for example, that I will never skydive because it's just not worth the risk. And even if ever a moment comes when I feel suicidal, I will remember my reasons and remember that impulse madness is temporary but whatever consequences there may be from skydiving will be forever.

Yes, I agree that choices are not always black and white and there's always the temptation to be self-interested and an instinct to see how much you can get away with, but that's where things like compassion and empathy and self-discipline and generosity come into play. People form their ethical and moral standards fairly young, I believe, and yes, they adjust these as time goes on but for the most part you should make life decisions based on these principles rather than change your principles to suit whatever choices you feel like making. A big part of it is also holding yourself to the same standards that you would hold other people to. You can't criticise people for doing things that you later copy and then go lenient on yourself because, you know, it's you, and whatever you do is inherently justified even if that justification is irrationality. And conversely you have to have faith in people - just because you yourself would be unscrupulous doesn't mean everyone else can be counted on to do the same. Some things are more important than the pursuit of potential-maybe-perhaps-let's-see romantic feelings (I can't even bring myself to call it love). Things like self-respect, for instance. Trust everyone until they fail you.

Of course you, you'll probably say I just haven't been tested yet. But I hope that when the time comes I can rely on extrapolation to guess at the consequences rather than have the insatiable urge to live through it just to see what it's like and then crash in a blaze of petty, self-projected glory.

posted by zyn :: 12:15 PM :: 1 Comments :: permalink

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All In A Day's Work

Friday, January 13, 2006

Tired. Drained. A bit queasy from the fish sperm at lunch today (don't ask). In dire need of a good gym workout. Wondering what love really is and whether you can stop heartache by simply zapping molecules. And overflowing with painful sympathy for Jennifer Aniston, the epitome of good grace and my newest idol.

But happy because - drinks! Then - drive! Then - mahjong! Then - WoW!

Welcome to my world.

posted by zyn :: 9:20 PM :: 0 Comments :: permalink

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Hardly Davidson

Very sleepy but need to blog this before I forget.

So today I was on a motorbike for the first time ever and it was the most heartstoppingly breathtakingly exhilaratingly terrifying 15 minutes or so of my life. Roller coasters are NOTHING compared to motorcycles. You can't clamp your eyes and hold on tight and ride it out (haha). Except that's exactly what I did - for the first five minutes, before I threw enough caution to the wind (probably literally) to at least straighten up and attempt to make sure that all my senses were still in working order. Morbid thoughts kept running through my head: wish I'd hugged my mum, written a will, finished my Upfront.

It was awesome.

But I think I'll stick to cars, the lily-livered louse that I am.

Today in WoW I realised that far from being an escapist realm, the game is exactly the same as real life. Every day when I log on I have to get all this admin stuff out of the way - check my mail, check auctions, go to the bank, hand in quests, get new quests, make bandages, make potions, get herbs, cook, fish, eat, drink, train, take public transportation... man, this is worse than RL. And as in RL, the fun only begins when your friends or guild members log on or you join a really good group. But unlike in RL, I'm always well-rested in WoW. Haha.

I am never going to have enough gold to get a mount. Boohoohoo.

And I really miss my brother, who used to sit with me and discuss quest strategy and interface optimization and judicious expenditure. RPGs are so much better when someone's playing with you.

posted by zyn :: 3:04 AM :: 3 Comments :: permalink

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Thursday Morning

Thursday, January 12, 2006

started off pretty badly because it was raining AGAIN and I had a hard time convincing my sleep-demanding brain that the darkness outside was due to overcast skies and not a manufacturing defect in my alarm clock. Then of course I forgot my cell and had to double back to get it. And to top it all off I took 15 minutes to get a cab in the bloody rain.

But then strange things happened. My cab driver, from out of nowhere, turned off the radio and put in a CD of - wait for it - xiao hu dui. (Back when I was young enough to be a groupie I was crazy about them.) How random is that?? And when I got into the office I found a box of dark Lindt swiss thins (yummy!) on the table from one of my bosses, "because you so poor thing on Sunday" (when I had to wake up at 5am for work). And also a cute little froggy card from Steph that made fun of poor Jay Chou but made up for it by being adorable.

Now all I have to do is get through the day. Then dinner, which should be fun, and WoW, which should be funner.

posted by zyn :: 11:28 AM :: 0 Comments :: permalink

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Legsicon - When Your Vocabulary Runs Away With You

Wednesday, January 11, 2006

Courtesy of a friend. I highlighted my favourite ones in green. This will probably only appeal to a few people but I thought it was hilarious except for the proctologist ones, which I didn't understand until I found out that proctology is the branch of medicine that deals with the diagnosis and treatment of disorders affecting the colon, rectum, and anus. Puts The Crucible's John Proctor in a whole new light, doesn't it?

Anyway -

Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.

The winners are:

1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.

6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absent-mindedly answer the door in your nightgown.

7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The belief that, when you die, your Soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.


The Washington Post's Style Invitational also asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are this year's winners:

1. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

2. Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

3. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

4. Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

5. Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

6. Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

7. Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.

8. Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

9. Karmageddon (n): It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

10. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

11. Glibido (v): All talk and no action.

12. Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

13. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

14. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

15. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.

And the pick of the literature:

16. Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

* * * * * *

Now that you've read it all, isn't my title genius? I shall enter the contest next year. :)

posted by zyn :: 9:52 PM :: 1 Comments :: permalink

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call4karaoke

Tuesday, January 10, 2006

Driving at night, in the rain, with Jay Chou's melancholy on repeat, is the second best feeling in the world. The best is when there are people in the car singing along with you. But Josh is no more so we have to do without.

So - let's karaoke! (Not in my car.) Calling all Jay Chou and/or David Tao fans! The more the merrier, so this time we can actually watch the Ghost MTV without being freaked out even before the singing starts, haha. Olivia! Doug! Linqi! Everyone!

posted by zyn :: 3:35 AM :: 2 Comments :: permalink

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wow humor

Monday, January 09, 2006

*apologetic look in advance*

dam farnee, esp 4 noobs lol

posted by zyn :: 7:48 PM :: 0 Comments :: permalink

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Local Tourist

Saturday, January 07, 2006

My new goal in life is to be continually humbled. It's only when you think you know everything that you stop learning and once you believe there's nothing left to learn then what's the point of living? Okay lah you could live to teach others, but I think that's crap.

Anyway I used to be one of those people who was convinced that Singapore is boring and that there's nothing new here and all there is to do is shop and eat blah blah blah not like the US where everything is SO DIFFERENT and SO INTERESTING and even the UK where it's all SO OLD and SO QUAINT.

In the last few days I've had to eat my words several times over.

A friend came down from LA and I brought him to Chinatown and Little India. It was his first time there so he was quite intrigued, but I was quite intrigued too because it was also my first time there! Well, Little India, at least. Yes I know where have I been man. I'd never before stepped into Mustafa or walked down Serangoon Road. The whole place reminded me strongly of Beijing, not because it looked anything alike (especially not the people there, haha) but because I felt the same battling of awe and disgust. It's amazing how self-sufficient a community of people can be but at the same time it's so different from my white bread world that I can't bring myself to feel like anything but a tourist.

And then yesterday I went to Ann Siang Hill and Kadalakumajdafh Road or something equally unpronounceable, although J did give it a hilarious try. And the place is AWESOME. The Scarlet Hotel, all the Anthropologie-esque shops, the restaurants and clubs and pubs, and the acutely adorable bistro-type thing we ended up at with wine and cheese and pate - how have I never discovered this place before?? J says I'm a baby, and it's true. I think I'm all jaded and cynical and seen-it-all but there are so many parts of Singapore that are complete gems that I don't even know about. Hell, I've been around Europe and lived in the US and China and I've never stepped into my own backyard - apart from Malaysia I'm a Southeast Asia virgin. Whoever says that Singapore has nothing to offer is stupid and insular and blind like me.

So once Wednesday rolls around and I have someone to tour Singapore with, that's just what I'm going to do. I must go and buy that CityScoops book for ideas. People who are less sheltered and (rightly) hate Orchard Road/City Hall/Sentosa/etc, where do you go for fun?

posted by zyn :: 11:51 AM :: 5 Comments :: permalink

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It's Off From Work I Go

Friday, January 06, 2006

Is rudeness ever acceptable? A lot of people say or do things in the heat of the moment because everything else fades out except their own interests, and then they expect that if they apologise for it later everything should be cool because, you know, heat of the moment. I like to think I have an even temper but I'm guilty of this a lot and the worst thing is, as I'm snapping at someone, I know I shouldn't be doing it and I know equally clearly that I will be forgiven because, you know, heat of the moment.

More on this later but I can finally leave work now so I'm outta here! 12 hours today, and I'm working at 6am on Sunday. The only bright spot in my career is the one day of leave I'm taking next Wednesday. This is nuts.

posted by zyn :: 10:21 PM :: 2 Comments :: permalink

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shitz blogz

Wednesday, January 04, 2006

Am tired from WoWing, under the weather due to continuing mousetrap torture, and way in over my head at work.

So I will cheer myself up by attempting to qualify for a shitblog award. I hear it's easy - just misspell every word you can, add a "z" to those that you can't, double all punctuation marks, and sprinkle inanities like "ya" and "u noe" every other line.

(Ahem. *paradigm shift*)


so 2dae wuz okayz.. u noe.. boreing n wadeva la.. ya.. woke upz.. showerz.. goz 2 workz.. den sum1 camez n visitz me @ officez!! it wuz my bebby sonz josh.. hahaz so surpris!! ya.. he die hairz untilz redz colorz.. u noe.. whenz ï sawz him ï sayz wah so hansum.. kekeke.. ya.. den we tokz a bitz.. u noe.. den tokz 2 ma fren stef.. ya.. den goz backz 2 workz.. ya.. so sianz.. jes wan 2 sleepz.. u noe.. sighz.. ya.. wad else 2 say.. nuthin much.. cuz ï haf no brain.. ahhhhh


That was actually very hard. I have newfound respect for shitblog award winners.

posted by zyn :: 8:12 PM :: 5 Comments :: permalink

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Ten things to do in 2006

Sunday, January 01, 2006

1.Spend more time with family

One of my friend's fathers died last week. It's the same scary story that's so ubiquitous now: he was 53 and in relatively good health, went out to walk the dog one day and came back with chest pains; he collapsed and died without regaining consciousness.

When I was a kid I used to be terrified that my parents would suddenly disappear or die on me. I would wake up a few times every night and pad over to my parents' room just to make sure that they were still there and still alive. I had to hover my hand over my mum's nose to check on her breathing (my dad was okay, cos he snored) because I was suspiciously convinced that evil forces could have substituted dummies for my parents and by the time I found out in the morning it would have been too late.

Now I no longer worry about my parents dying. I'm neither emotionally nor financially dependent on them anymore. But my parents are great company and they're still the wisest people I know, in addition to being the only people in my world that truly understand and are interested in what I do at work. I know they're not going to be here forever, but I don't want to have any regrets about not having spent enough time with them when they do go.

And my brother will enlist on January 6. Haha good luck to him.

2. Help people

It starts February 4. I hope I'm up to it.

3. Travel more

I still haven't gone beyond Malaysia in South-east Asia.

4. Worry less

Things always happen when I least expect them to. If I wake up when I'm 25 and look in the mirror to see wrinkles, I will kill myself.

5. Work harder

Or maybe just try to stop arriving at work 20 minutes late. I think my boss reads this blog.

6. Be kinder and wiser

After all, I'm older.

7. Manage my money better

Do I want to carry Gucci now or drive an Audi later?

8. Be a better friend

Pay it forward.

9. Learn more

CPA/CFA, non-fiction, documentaries, languages, sports - bring it on.

10. Go to more parties

Self-explanatory.

It's gonna be a - a happy new year!

posted by zyn :: 11:28 PM :: 5 Comments :: permalink

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speaks

without thinking

stores

without purpose

stalks

without malice

steals

without offense